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I never know what to write in the journal because I mostly forget to update even if something has happened. This is the reason why I never had had a proper diary. And the fact that in a smalll apartment I couldn't hide anything without it being found. I always say i want to write more and update more but it nevers happens so this time I wont promise anything. 


“That was always the dream, wasn’t it? ‘I wish I’d known then what I know now’? But when you got older you found out that you NOW wasn’t YOU then. You then was a twerp. You then was what you had to be to start out on the rocky road of becoming you now, and one of the rocky patches on that road was being a twerp.”

— Terry Pratchett, Night Watch


Happiness in between the Woe

I suck at journal writing. These past 8 months or so have been so out the the norm in my ilfe that I should have been trying to share it or at least brag about it on all social media platforms. But I haven't because I suck at posting stuff regularly. So the big news is that I got myself a boyfriend. Tee-hee :)

He is amazing, perfect, and he loves me. I couldn't have asked for a better guy to fall in love. Sometimes I feel that I don't deserve his love and admiration. It's my insecurities talking, I know, but I can help feeling that way. It's been 8 months and I can't believe I found someone I can connect with and feel totally comfortable with. The downside to our relationship is that he lives in another country. But its okay we have no rush to see each other. Well we do realy want to see each other but its not financially possible, nor is it not the right time in terms of our current situations. Somehow I hope we will be able to make it happen and meet at soon.

That is my amazing good news. I recenty sent him a ton of gifts that I knew he would love.
I did it because his bithday is coming up soon and he had already sent me two games and a DVD because he has a lot of generous bones in his body. I also send him the gifts because hes given me the best 8 months I've ever had in the past 8 years. I'm so grateful for his love but also for his friendship because he is truly my best friend.

I hopefully we can make it for another 8 months and more. :)

This truth...

FB JK Rowling Trending 2014

“I wrote the Hermione/Ron relationship as a form of wish fulfillment,” she [J.K. Rowling] says. “That’s how it was conceived, really. For reasons that have very little to do with literature and far more to do with me clinging to the plot as I first imagined it, Hermione ended up with Ron.”

Well, ain't that cute. She finally sees the light. I could have told you that ages ago you simple woman! Truthfully, I think she's rich and bored. Every once in a while she says stuff like this to stir shit up again.
Alright, going back to my fortress of solitude to read sexually explicit queer literature for class.

Happy New Years!!

I will update this for New Years because I am determined to have a stable-ish blog for random occurrences. Xanga is no longer around to go to cry in so my permanent LJ will have to do. I don't want to call it a resolution because then I'll never get around to do it.
Well crap...I called it a resolution now. >:(

Something happened today I mean yesterday

I almost had sex. When I say almost I mean the tip of his penis was trying to penetrate but it hurt LIKE THE FIRE FROM THE PITS OF HELL kind of pain. Also, he could have gotten me pregnant because WE FUCKING FORGOT TO GET A CONDOM!!.I can't believe I forgot. I, Allison, this girl who currently has a health class that had discussed at full length the importance of a condom.

I had my period today, I mean yesterday 11/12/13, (to spell it out like that I cant believe I almost had sex and was fingered at an auspicious day.) he didn't care that I had my period he really wanted it. I really wanted it. I cant believe I was going to have sex with a friend that I've known for 6 years. We almost dated but it didn't work out well. Ever since then though we've had an odd friendship push and pull kind of thing. Scratched that, our friendship is really an awkward one. We used to see or talk to each other once a year or so after he graduated high school it wasn't until last year that we've been talking on facebook for regularly and not until this year that we have seen each other more frequently.

He kissed me back in May, our first real make-out session not that sloppy kiss when we were teenagers. We almost had sex then but I had to stop it because; omg why the hell is he kissing me?? I can't stop it. I can't him from kissing me. I want it. I don't want him but I want the experience. We are in lust I think. I'm pretty sure I gave him a bad blowjob. He's so nice about it. He said he was really turned on and that I did ok for my first time. He had to jack off in the bathroom because he tried three times to penetrate and it hurt so much.
The fingering was so good though. I think from behind might have not been a good position to start with.

Whatever, from advice on commentators on ONTD i learned three that I already knew but had not fully realized their importance until now:
1. Always have him wear a condom
2. Lube is a must
3. Because i'm a virgin it will hurt a lot the first few times so I must practice and try to be fore relaxed next time. MOAR foreplay.

I still can't believe I almost had sex. Though my health professor says that if you're both aroused and genitalia is exposed then its already sex.

Something happened back in May that I don't know if I should write it out.
To write it out is to acknowledge the "incident" and that would lead me to into more confusion. Watch out this is going to be a long on.
A guy friend tried to kiss me. I didn't react because I was shocked. He pulled back and I thought "phew he's going to let it go" like he usually does when he does spontaneous affection towards me like a hug or a kiss on the cheek. I've gotten used to the tackle/pounce hugs. He stops when I don't hug back. I usually never hug back. I'm just very bad at hugs and stuff. Missed out on a few hugs as a kid I guess.

I really believed he was going to back off but he didn't.


Did he take some confidence pills? Boost courage shot? Was he recently hit with the sledgehammer of presumption?!?
To me it seems so out of character but it's him after all. Touchy-feeling guy who can not for the life of him stay put.
He is reckless, restless, and confusing. It what I get for hanging out with hippy "change-the-world!" type of guy. Its not a bad thing but its a problem if he wasn't (man, I don't even know) trying to bring back the almost relationship we would have started back in 2006.
Wow, has it been that long! That's like 8 years ago! I need to sit down. Oh wait I already am! lol

So...what did I do when he kissed me again? um, well, I kissed him back. I CANT EVEN! I seriously don't know why.
I want to say it was instinctual but that sounds like It was natural when it was clearly wasn't.
He kissed, I kissed back, he kissed more passionately, I mimicked.
It was my first ever make-out. I sound 16, don't I? Its the truth. My first kiss was less than stellar, but it was with him. Eight years ago! Making-out is completely whole new territory. It still is!
We were making-out for an hour, making me miss my 4pm class.

The things that were going through my head or should I say what was not going through my head. I was a blank.
Whenever his lips were on mine I lost all thought. Not because the kissing was so good. Though it did feel good.
I could not compose a single thought. If I did it was because we needed air, even then my thoughts were about kissing.
Am I kissing correctly?
Is my kissing any good?
Why are you doing this? Why? WHY? WHY???

The hype on kissing is silly totally untrue. I can confirm.
You can not hear, see, or feel the following:
Choir of Angels singing Hallelujah
Fireworks - this included stars, sparks, wildfires, or the fiery pits of hell.
Heart exploding
Stop breathing
Knowing, just by kissing that he/she is "the one".

What I can confirm is that when you kiss someone or at least when I was kissing him it was like being in nothingness.
I was kissing him and I was deaf, blind, and disoriented to the world around me. He was my anchor.
When his lips were on mine It was only us and our breathing.
I can't say this is a pleasant experience. Not uncomfortable but I guess It'll take time to get used to.
Its feels as if gravity isn't there but you're not floating either.

Not only was we making out he was seriously wanting to immediately go to the next step. New territory? HA! Talk about a whole another continent.
Yeah, I know about sex. Just because I'm a shut in does not mean I haven't educated myself in the basics of human copulation. :P
I want to make this clear. I knew with absolute certainty that he would never hurt me. If I was ever going to lose my virginity it would be with him. But, I was not ready then. I had just made-out for the first time, excuse me for not completely not jumping into the sack with him. I got scared and shed a few tears because of it. It was the first time I cried in front of him. God, it was a first for a lot of things that day.
Also, it was the first time I felt so attractive and sexy. I felt wanted. Good feeling.

It is weird that I feel like I was being manipulated by him. Not sure if he knew or not.
Every time I would say no he would kiss me and I go back into the blissful nothingness.
Sounds bad? Yes
Sounds creepy? Yes
Though once I felt his hands on the waist of my jeans I knew no amount of kissing would get me to willingly undress.
He looked so high/drunk on lust. Not actually drunk.
His pupils were so dilated! His eyes are dark brown.
Dilated pupils on dark eyes are difficult to see!

No matter how many time I mull it over in my head I still don't know what he was trying to pull with that stunt. He wouldn't say.


Since then I haven't spoken to him. He hasn't reached out to me either.
I wouldn't know what to say.
"Thank you for the great make-out session but we're friends so..."
"Sorry for being so damn selfish to want to know what its like kissing someone back."
"Sorry I didn't stop you before it got out of hand."
"DON'T EVER GODDAMN PLAY WITH MY FEELINGS AGAIN!" This last one is what I want to say but how do I say it without sounding like a hypocrite.
I feel like a hypocrite because I didn't stop him. I though we put whatever feelings we had of each other behind us but arugh!! @_@
I might be over thinking it. He might not be even thinking about me. I don't want to think the worst of him.
Its a good thing he's traveling this summer and away from a constant internet connection. It gives me time to really think and forget.
I'll forget it ever happen.
Yes! I'll do that!
He was reckless and I was weak. Crisis averted! I think...

50 Shades of Fucked Up

I have been offered $750 dollars to read the Fifty Shades Trilogy. After some major haggling on my part. I feel like this isn't enough money for all the emotional scarring these books will bring me. The bet is by the same person who made me read the Twilight series and I got $120 (this was before the movies) for my trouble. I should have asked for more back then but I didn't know what I was getting myself into. If I should accept the challenge I know where to get the audiobooks. Its how I got through the Twilight series.
I'm not sure If I would do an "Alice reads..." or "Rage Quit: ..." kind of thing on xanga, livejournal, tumblr or make a blogger. I know I'll need an outlet to convey my horror but I don't usually express my rage online. I think I'll do it because MONEY.

On the subway

So I haven't made a post here for a long time.
I suck at internet consistency.
Anyway I just wanted to post that today there was a really cute guy on the train when I was heading to school.
A really cute guy that happens to go to my school.
A really cute guy that I lose sight of once we arrive at the station only to find him suddenly materialize by my side in the same building where I have class.
I was so stunned to see cute guy in the same building and standing - oh so close too me - that I'm paralyzed as I see him get on the elevator I was waiting for.

Let's recap:
Cute guy on train sitting across from me.
Cute guy goes to the same college I go to.
Cute guy has class in the same building on campus.
Which tells me one thing...
The universe is such a tease.

I can never catch a break. I'll probably never see him again because I never get to find the same cute guys I'm attracted too twice.
I just needed to get this off my mind and write it out. Spazzing out on a blog always makes me feel better.
I hate being boy crazy like this but honestly it don't happen as often as it seems.
There is a different between hot guys and guys that I find absolutely attractive.
I really want to blog more but I can never find the right time or mood to write which is odd for someone who feels better writing out their thoughts. I could try a diary again (it would be attempt #56 or so) but pen and paper never do it for me.

5/10/13 EDIT: I was totally right. I never saw him again. Why universe why? Also last Friday was crazy but I don't want to write about it yet because I'm still unable to process what happened. Still not sure if what happened was a good thing or a bad thing. :/

I do.

There is this girl in my Speech class, she is so nice and well liked, its like she's perfect.
She's confident, intelligent, outspoken, talented, stylish, funny, nice, compassionate, has a great body, and has a beautiful face.

She's everything I'm not. I harbor a great dislike for naturally well liked people or confident people.
Does that make me a hater? I don't outwardly express my dislike for her. Confident people just irritate me.

Augh I'm a terrible person, totally backwards.
My kind of people are the glass half empty kind of people, self deprecating and cynical.
I feel more comfortable with people with flaws. I'm not opposed to being around happy or optimistic personalities but if your super duper perfect I will privately hate you and wish you hell.

Also, she's trying to steal the only friend I have in that class. 
You know the guy who I have a crush on but I still don't know if he's gay or not and I don't want to ask him but I suspect he might be gay. I have no gaydar so I don't know. << This doesn't matter.
What matters is that she's trying to steal the only friend I've made in that class and of course she's so much more awesome than I am its only a matter of time before he falls in her clutches and leaves me. I have the worst luck when it comes to making and retaining friends. :(